Rach,


I woke up this morning before my doctor appointment and checked Facebook. I saw that I had an inbox message and my heart again jumps into my throat even though I'm sure it's not from you because it never is. But to my complete surprise, it is though. I deserve that, I know I do. I wish that I could take back everything I said to you. I know I hurt you. You don't deserve that. I let this get out of hand.


Here's this shitty part: I can't fix it unless you let me. And right now, you won't let me (not that I blame you). I've been truly terrible to you. I will make it up to you in some way.


Oh, and I realize that that song from yesterday..the part about Daddy being an asshole? 
"Daddy was an asshole, he fucked you up, built the gears in your head,/
now he greases them up./ And no one paid attention when you just stopped eating./ "Eighty-seven pounds!" and this all bears repeating." 
That's not what I was talking about.


It was more or less this part:
"Tell me when you think that we became so unhappy,/ wearing silver rings with nobody clapping./ When we moved here togehter we were so dissappointed,/ sleeping out of tune with our dreams disjointed./ It killed me to see you getting always rejected,/ but I didn't mind the things you threw, the phones I deflected./ I didn't mind you blaming me for your mistakes,/ I just held you in the doorframe through all of the earthquakes./ But you packed up your clothes in that bag every night,/ and I would try to grab your ankles (what a pitiful sight.)/ But after over a year, I stopped trying to stop you from stomping out that door,/ coming back like you always do. Well no one's gonna fix it for us, no one can./ You say that, 'No one's gonna listen, and no one understands.'/ So there's no open doors and there's no way to get through,/ there's no other witnesses, just us two."


Again, I realize that you hate when it seems like I can only say things to you in song lyrics or pieces of poems. But this is true. I never minded any of it. I just need some time to figure it all out. 


Yours always,
Lor